On Turning 40

Here I go again.

Turning 40.  When I was a little kid I used to sit and do the math and think wow, in the year 2000 I'll be 30!  Wow!  I imagined what my life might be like.  Married at 25 to a doting husband, a child at 30, maybe a second a couple of years later.  Not necessarily a house with a white picket fence since living in NY doesn't really lend itself to houses with white picket fences.  But in the dream it's the same as any kid who is romantic at heart.

Cut, advance to the present.  2010.  I am now 40.  I am now 40 and single and lonely as ever.

I sit and look in the mirror sometimes thinking, what did I do wrong all these years?  Am I really that bad a person?  What am I missing in my brain that I can't make correct judgments?  Am I really that unpleasant to be around?  I mean my folks don't ever seem to want me to leave their side, but they're my folks and they will never want me to leave.  I am the hopeless case that they think they have to nurture forever since I'm simply incapable.  (I secretly think in my head that my folks think I can't find anyone because I'm fat.  So unattractive to a nice Chinese boy.)  I am the one they couldn't rescue/help/guide in the right way or brag about to their friends or my typical Asian family full of doctors, lawyers, and successful business people.  I am the child that every parent would shake their head at and say, "Oh thank God my child isn't like that.  Poor Mr. and Mrs. Y.  Aiya."

So I have to learn to accept at this point in my life, middle aged by my mathematical calculation, that I am, always was, and always will be the loser/failure daughter/sister/cousin/niece (etc.) in the family.  What on God's green earth would make me believe that I could actually be someone/something???  A failure at 40 will be a failure for the rest of my life.  Done, it's set in stone.  I am tired.  I just don't want to try anymore because I don't have faith or believe in myself enough to believe that I could actually accomplish anything.  What's it all for in the end?  For my kids?  What kids?  For the success of my happy marriage?  Who in their right might would want to be with me???  

I stay in a job where my boss treats me like shit and looks down on me.  Not only for who I am but what I am.  An "oriental" female.  Someone who is "lesser."  Why?  Because I don't believe I can get a job anywhere else.  I don't think I can project that I'm worth the amount of salary I would like to receive.  At this point in my life, why should I try?  History says that I will fail like I always have.  I stayed in relationships that were detrimental to my emotional, physical, and mental well being.    Mainly because I don't think I could do any better or deserve better.  I'll take what I can get because anyone who is "a catch" or worth anything wouldn't want to be dragged down by some loser like me.  I would be embarrassing to be around.  Embarrassing to introduce to friends and family... Best I just try to camouflage myself along this wall right here.  Maybe no one will notice me, oh wait I'm too fat to be invisible.  I really do take up to much space.  Best I stay home.

On that note, my mother said something to me earlier about taking care of my health.  So being in the mood that I was I answered her, "I should hope to not to live that long."  Of course she answered well if you do at least you won't be sickly and have to take all those meds.  I just looked at her with a stone face and said, "I don't plan on living that long."  Of course like any loving mother would do she got angry with me and proceeded to lecture me.  Not helping.  I of course then said to her as my eyes were getting teary, "I will be alone when I'm old.  I don't want to be alone and old.  I'm already lonely as I ever really would want to be."  I didn't say anything else and retreated to my sanctuary that is my room. 

So as I'm writing, more like babbling, I thought I would feel better if I pour it all out there on the world wide web.  For someone bored with nothing better to do to read it and say, "Man, what a loser."  But I don't feel better, not at all.  I'm still crying and feeling really fucked up in my head and heart.  I don't believe anything will ever change.  When I made an effort it didn't, when I didn't make an effort it didn't.  Same difference.  Same result.

I need prescription sleeping pills.  These over the counter ones suck.