06 February 2008

05 February 2008

So after weeks of rude awakenings, I came to the conclusion that some people were just not meant to be loved. Is it punishment for something one has done in the past? Or is it just one's fate in life. I suppose being Chinese I do believe in fate and the whole "it was meant to be this way" thinking. I suppose life is a punishment/reward system. You do the right thing and you are rewarded... you know the rest. What I'm trying to figure out is what is it that makes me a bad person that deserves punishment. I suppose it could either be that I have selective memory and only choose to remember what I want leading to the reason why I don't know why I'm being punished OR that I'm really that self righteous and I don't think I do wrong or bad things. I would like to think it's not the latter reason. After all I hate that trait in people. Which THEN leads me to think if I am self righteous then I should thoroughly despise myself. I suppose it doesn't matter if I'm self righteous or not at this point, what's there to love about me? They say you should love yourself before you can love someone else, well I tried that and it still didn't work. So then now what? I should just continue to hate myself and just curl up in a ball and hope not to wake up tomorrow. *sigh*