Limbo

I know I haven't really posted much on my blog lately.  Not that my life is oh so interesting but as the title suggests, I'm kind of in limbo right now.  

With no relationship to speak of and no events going on for the summer my life has gotten quite routine these past months.  I feel like I've been holding my breath for 35 years and am still waiting for a reason to just let it all out.  

I say 35 years because I remember when I was 4 and life was simple.  I wasn't even in school yet.  So I was saved from the ridicule of the other kids for being not one of the "cool ones."  Yes, always picked last for kickball, always made fun of for my clothes that were kind of mismatched (bless my mom's heart for always trying to do her best with a few dollars in her pocket), and always ostracized for being too sensitive, too fat, too uncool, too timid.  You fill in the blanks.  You know the one kid that everyone enjoyed picking on in school, simply because everyone else was doing it and no one wanted to be IT.

Well, IT has grown up to be a somewhat functioning adult in a somewhat disfunctional society.  I managed to not become a drug dealer, a junkie on the street or prostitude.  Although I don't think anyone would pay for me, if I could get 10 cents on the dollar for my ass I would be lucky.  Lol.  Joking, sort of.  Anyway, I guess I will still always feel that feeling of being the "odd person out."  Not sure why.  I question whether it's all in my head or not.  I can't help but question the motives of every boyfriend I've ever had.  When any of them has told me that they love me I always wonder if they just love me because I'm there for them no matter what and I would do anything for him.  Problem is that I'm always there for them and when I need someone I always find myself alone.  Just alone.  

I really should've known that my childhood was a precursor to how I will wind up as an adult.  I'm just socially awkward and will always be IT.  People tell  me that I could always change things and change my situation.  I somewhat agree with what they say, although I say we are inherently who we are inside.  We could all put on a front just to be a part of the "in crowd" and be who we really are when we're not with them.  I really don't want to be that way, I feel that's kind of compromising who I am.  I am who I am, unfortunately who I am is a little awkward or odd.    

What am I trying to say....  I think I'm just talking out of my ass.  What else is new...