Okay, so now for a more serious blog entry for a change.  

I think for the most part I'm a kind of a "happy go lucky" kind of girl.  I have been fighting with the idea that I've lived with being bipolar for years.  I don't know what to attribute it all to.  Is it chemical?  Is it just that I'm complaining about nothing?  Maybe it's just an excuse.  I don't know.  Now, being the baby in the family I guess a lot of people would say, "What are you complaining about?" or "You've got a charmed life, you don't pay rent, you don't have any expenses or responsibilites so stop whining about your life."  Well, all I can say is the grass is always greener on the other side.  Maybe, just maybe it's the fact that I don't have any "real" responsibilities that makes me feel like my life is empty.  I have people I'm close with.  (My sister Penny, my cousins (y'all know who you are), family.)  But there's this nagging feeling of emptiness and/or lonliness that always takes a front seat in my mind and heart.  

Now I know what a lot of people may say.  "Oh you need a man in your life."  Maybe that's it.  Maybe a companion, a partner in crime so to speak.  Well I've tried that.  Noone wants to seem to stick around which leads me to believe that there's something wrong with me.  I've tried, maybe I've tried in impossible situations only to prove to myself that I'm worth the effort a man should make.  Well, that didn't work either.  My boss had said something to a patient of ours who I happen to get along with well and I think is very sweet person (the patint that is, not my boss).  She said, you've been here a long time.  So I say yes eight years.  She said, well that's a long time.  People don't stay in one place anymore these days.  So of course my asshole boss says to her, "I'm the only guy in her life that's been around for so long."  Ouch.  I rolled my eyes and tried to hold the tears back.  She said to him, "that's not nice".  Then smiled at me and said, take care sweetie, I'll see you soon.  Then left.  I straighted my back, took a deep breath and went back to work.  Didn't say a word to my boss.  Maybe the old me a month ago or even as soon as a week ago would've said something back to him and ended up fighting with him saying nasty things back but now, no.  I've lost all my fight.  I stopped caring.

I was just fine before when I had accepted that I was going to be alone.  At almost 40 and one failed relationship after another I feel like just giving up.  Giving up hope on me, giving up hope on anyone just loving me for me.  There has to be something terribly wrong with me.  Mentally unstable?  Emotionally unstable?  Chinese people don't believe in all that psycho-babble.  But sometimes the old school way doesn't really work.  

I can't say I haven't tried.  I've had relationships.  A couple had good memories, one was a living nightmare, all the others just kind of lost momentum.  I don't know, I don't think I can take another failed relationship.  Just a side note though,  nothing bad happened with my last relationship.  It just fizzled.  So that wasn't even the catalyst that set this on.  He was always cool with me, I guess we just made better friends.  Seems like I'll just always be every guy's best female friend.