I recently received an email from someone I used to work with. I don't want to sound like a bitch or anything but I always thought she was a hot mess. With all the bad decisions she always made, with all the men that came and went through her life, and the marriage that she stayed in just because she was scared to leave. Now she seems to be in a better place. She's left NY and has started a new life out of state. Found love and has cleaned up her life. In a way I'm jealous of her independance now and I question why I waited so long to do it myself. I've given myself until the end of this year to make the major changes I need to. It might not happen by the end of the year but at least by then I will have a plan and the funds to just pack my bags and move on with living.
I know this might sound terrible of me but I guess I have to say that I'm just tired. Tired of being the buffer at home, tired of coddling my folks, tired of feeling guilty that I am abandoning my mother. I was always their disappointment, so in a way I feel like I had to make it up to them by always being around and trying to do things to make them happy. Unfortunately that required me giving up mine in some ways. I can't seriously say that it's taken ALL of my happiness away. Just that it's like a big cloud over my head. No matter how many other little things I do to make myself happy it's just that one thing that tugs me back into reality and tells me that I can't do that, it will make mom and dad unhappy. So I stay in my room in my pj's hiding under my covers while the rest of the world wizzes by with out me enjoying the ride.
This coming year is the milestone for me. I'm going to be 40 this year. I feel like this is the do or die year. If I don't make those changes now, who knows if I ever will...
